


The Highest Room of the Tallest Tower

by The_Mysterious_Crimson_Lotus



Category: Naruto, Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, F/M, Fantasy, Fluff, Humor, Light Angst, Naruto but in the world of Shrek, Naruto is a monster, Not a carbon copy of Shrek but with Naruto names, Romance, Soulmates, With some new twists, yay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26176648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mysterious_Crimson_Lotus/pseuds/The_Mysterious_Crimson_Lotus
Summary: A new royal decree made by Prince Toneri leads to a mass displacement in magical people and creatures. With his lands overwhelmed by refugees, the Terror of the Forest, Naruto, decides that the only way for him to reclaim his solitary lifestyle is to undertake an impossible task in the name of the prince.He must find and rescue Princess Hinata from the highest room of the tallest tower of an impenetrable fortresss guarded by a monster snake.Luckily, he's not alone.
Relationships: Hyuuga Hinata/Ootsutsuki Toneri, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Jiraiya/Tsunade (Naruto)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 36





	1. The Terror of the Forest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Mysterious_Crimson_Lotus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mysterious_Crimson_Lotus/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who reads my other works, yes, I know that it is probably a bad idea to start a new, multi-chaptered fic while I still have two that I'm still actively working on, but honestly, I'm not sorry. The other two will be prioritized, but I just had to write this one. I love this idea.
> 
> I was working on a chapter of Trail of Notes when I suddenly had the thought, hey, wouldn't a Hinata/Rapunzel fic be just swell? Then I thought, nah, Sakura works better as a Rapunzel (since hair was part of her character growth at one point). Then I thought of which fairy tale princess each of the Naruto girls would fit best, and I just went down a Naruto/fairy tale rabbit hole. And now I'm here. It was either this, Naruto/Princess and the Frog, or Naruto/Humpback of Notre Dame, and, well, Shrek is one of my all time favourites. Then the ideas kept pouring in and I couldn't not write it. Even if no one will read this, I will definitely be making this into a trilogy, since I already know who each of the chracters in Shrek 2 and 3 are going to be. 
> 
> With that said, enjoy?

“Kunai?”

“Check.”

“Explosive tags?” 

“Check.” 

The owls hooted as the pale, midnight moon shined down upon the forest. Leafy oak trees stood tall and proud, the tiny nocturnal rodents scurrying across the mossy grass as the insects chirped and sang their nightly songs. On a normal night, it would have been a natural backdrop, beautiful. Tonight, with orange light dancing near the edge of the forest and the sound of flames, it was eerie. Terrifying. 

They stood at the front gates of their little village, at the edge of the woods, torches out, plain black headbands on. 

“Sealing scroll?”

“Check.” 

“Poison darts?” 

“Check.” 

The women gathered behind the gates, hands over hearts and worried expressions on their faces, some tear stained as they waved their husbands good luck. One openly wept, comforted by a kindly old man as her husband gave his son one last pat on the head. Then he joined the rest of the thirty-or-so men, each wearing a dull, brownish, nondescript flak jacket and armed to the teeth. Each ninja had a massive scroll strapped to their waists, chains hanging on their belts, wide assortments of bladed weapons attached everywhere, and a serious expression. 

They were going to war. 

Standing at the front of the group was a man with shoulder length white hair with a hint of light blue in them. The leader. His headband covered the top of his head like a bandana, and strapped to his back were a pair of giant shuriken. In front of the dark, foreboding forest, his features thrown into contrast by the flickering flames of the torches, he looked impressive. Dangerous. 

“Mizuki, are you sure about this?” One of the men nearest to him, a brown haired man with a scar running across the bridge of his nose, was shifting nervously from foot to foot, his hand dancing on the hilt of a blade sheathed on his belt. “We’ve tried before, and it’s never worked.” 

“What choice do we have, Iruka?” Mizuki replied fiercely, adjusting the band on his head. “Its very existence is bad enough for our village. Now, it’s been stealing from us as well. The Elders said so.” Turning to the rest of the men, he raised his torch high into the air and boldly declared, “We shall not be terrified by the Terror of the Woods ever again! We _will_ not let it take what is ours, and we will _not _allow our children to go to bed in fear, or let our wives cower at home while we go to hunt, any longer! We will strike at its den, and end it, once and for all!”__

__The cheers were subdued, but morale nevertheless seemed to grow. The women smiled more proudly, the men held themselves straighter. The man who was patting his son’s head moments before shot his crying wife a courageous smile, and she sobbed even harder, accompanied now by her child._ _

__The men moved away from their gates. Facing the forest, they each bowed their heads in prayer. Then, as one, they flashed out of sight, leaving nothing behind but clouds of smoke as they flew across the treetops, their torches extinguished._ _

__They moved as one as they hopped from branch to branch, seeking their target. Searching eyes flicked from side to side as they travelled through the forest with care, doing their best to move with only the slightest sounds, making sure they disturbed the tranquility of the night as little as possible. Hands grabbed kunai, fingers tightened around chains and scrolls at every sudden noise, only to find themselves ready to respond to rabbits or rats with deadly force. Mizuki was in the lead, holding onto his shuriken and gritting his teeth, his whole body tense; he ignored the trivial sounds, focusing instead on breathing to calm down. Beside him, Iruka looked terrified, his muscles twitching violently at every twig snap or wing flap._ _

__“It can’t be too far…” Mizuki muttered to himself. “Where are you, you great ugly demon?”_ _

__And then, the world went quiet._ _

__The insects went mute. The owls ceased their howls. It was as though the ninja were suddenly encased in a bubble where sound was nonexistent. Immediately, the men panicked, stopping in place and drawing various weapons. At the moment, they were in the middle of a small clearing, and even with the small break above them, allowing the moonlight to shine brighter than within the main forest, they could barely see through the trees surrounding them.Their breathing became harsher, and heart rate increased exponentially. Sweat dripped down Mizuki’s face as though a waterfall as the group formed a tight circle._ _

__“Steady men,” he warned, pulling out his shuriken in front of him like a shield. “Remember, it can’t be killed, so as soon as you hurt it enough, chain it down and seal it into your scrolls.”_ _

__His men, however, were too nervous to nod or give any indication that they were listening. Iruka was audibly whimpering, his knees shaking, and several of the other ninja looked unnaturally pale. One was so green he matched the moss upon which he stood, and Mizuki felt that a single tap would be enough to make him heave. He himself could barely suppress the fear that rose in his heart. Trapped in utter silence, there was no telling where or when _it_ would come. _ _

__The forest was still, the beasts within barely moving as they settled in the shadows, and the moon shone brightly above them, as though the spotlight to a play the audience would never forget._ _

__Was this their final act?_ _

__“Over there!” one ninja screamed, throwing a barrage of shuriken at a tree. The rest of the startled group whirled around to look just in time to see a terrified rabbit running away from the scene._ _

__“You idiot!” Mizuki hollered at him, his eyes widening in rage. “You scared the shit out of me!”_ _

__“B-but, there was definitely something larger moving there… ” the ninja protested weakly, glancing over at his weapons, which were lodged in the tree._ _

__“Well next time, pay closer attention! The _thing_ is much bigger than a rabbit, or do we need to get your eyes checked?” _ _

__“Mizuki!” another ninja cried out in urgency. “Woah...look at this...”_ _

__Shoving past his men, Mizuki marched towards the ninja who had been inspecting the shuriken but was now standing transfixed on the side of the tree, looking utterly bewildered. A trail of blood was dripping down from his left nostril._ _

__“Well?”_ _

__“L-look here… B-behind this tree...”_ _

__Pushing him aside, he turned irritably to look at what the ninja had been pointing at. His shuriken dropped from his hands. His irritated expression dropped. His jaw dropped._ _

__And blood dripped down from his nose._ _

__Leaning against the tree with one hand behind her head, and another on her tiny waist, was a tall, curvaceous woman. The very definition of an hourglass figure, her soft, tan skin seemed to sparkle, and her long, flowing blonde hair was made into two ponytails. Each strand of hair looked like it was a thread made of sunlight, and seemed to shine even in the dead of night. Her face was adorned with three delicate lines on each cheek, and she was pouting up at him, her brilliant, ocean blue eyes flowing in the dark, long eyelashes batting against as she blinked rapidly._ _

__And… she was completely naked._ _

__“I.. uh…” Mizuki blubbered stupidly, having lost any ability to speak. He simply could not tear his eyes off of her body._ _

__The mysterious woman smiled shyly at his attention. Fluttering her eyelashes, she lightly pushed off against the tree and began to slowly approach him, silent as the night._ _

__“What is going ooo… oh damn…” Another one of Mizuki’s men had turned the corner, and was now staring dreamily at the woman. He was then joined by the rest of the curious men, their pale, terrified faces transforming into stupid, dazed ones. A soft haze seemed to settle over them all, and suddenly all of their nerves vanished at the sight of the beautiful young woman in front of them. Iruka walked slowly towards her, openly drooling, blood gushing from both nostrils. The woman turned away from Mizuki, who whimpered softly, and began moving towards him instead. Her smile turned seductive, and she swayed her hips as she made her way towards the man. The rest of the ninja weren’t even jealous; they all seemed to be caught in a light, pink mists that rendered them void of all rational thought._ _

__Iruka stopped as the woman came closer and gently placed her delicate hands on his shoulders. She seemed to lean in, pressing herself against him. He closed his starstruck eyes and leaned forward, puckering up his lips. The woman smiled knowingly, winked at Mizuki, parted her lips, and leaned in too._ _

__Or rather, seemed to lean in._ _

__Her head didn’t move an inch._ _

__Her face was elongating, the sparkling skin slowly turning a rusty red; her teeth grew longer and sharper, her canines visible through her open mouth; the whiskers on her cheeks grew deeper and thicker, resembling jagged scars; her yellow hair receded into her head, turning a deep orange as they went; and her brilliant blue eyes became crimson._ _

__Iruka opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a wild-looking, foxish, definitely male face — the face of his nightmares._ _

__The Terror of the Forest grinned at him, baring his fangs._ _

__And then he burped._ _

__Mizuki screamed as the illusionary fog was lifted off them, and clumsily threw a kunai at the Terror, only to miss and almost hit Iruka’s fainting body. The rest of the group screamed out, too, and dispersed in panic and terror as the _thing_ jumped up and on top of a branch. It was _definitely_ not a woman. The curvaceous, womanly body was now a lean, male body, with a definitely canine quality to the way it seemed to lean. He was clad in a tattered, faded, previously orange jumpsuit that was splattered in mud and covered in tears and grass stains. He complimented the look with equally horrible orange pants, and he wore a stolen ninja headband on his forehead. His skin was the colour of iron rust, and his bare feet and hands had sharp, black claws extending from them. His head was long, his ears too pointy, and his face looked deranged — as though one eye was larger than the other. He had a feral grin, and his dark orange hair was short and spiky. _ _

__There was also a long, orange fox tail waving behind him._ _

__“Kill it!”_ _

__The Terror dodged the wave of projectiles, dancing around as the ninja did all they could to get metal into his flesh. He stuck his tongue out, and made rude gestures at them for each failed attempt. For each cursed yell, he howled with laughter._ _

__“Just kill it!” Mizuki roared._ _

__He flung his shuriken at the Terror just as it was having a laughing fit, and it struck him right in the belly. With a collective gasp, the ninja stopped their assault to stare incredulously at the surprised expression on their target’s face._ _

__And then the half-man, half-fox creature blew a raspberry and vanished in a cloud of smoke._ _

__“What the—!”_ _

__Mizuki cursed as something wet landed on his head. Growling in frustration as he was soaked down to his feet, he whipped the object off of his head and stared at it in amazement through the mouldy noodles now hanging off of his brow._ _

__“Cup ramen?” he cried, absolutely bewildered. “That’s what he’s been stealing? Cup ramen?!”_ _

__There were a series of surprised cries and choked grunts as several more of the ninja had cups of instant ramen thrown either on them, or into their faces. Some of the cups were completely empty; some had mud or plants stuffed into them, and a few had rotten meat in them. They were coming from every direction, and in the darkness, none of the ninja were capable of dodging the stolen containers._ _

__The Terror then burst out of the dark, lunged towards a ninja, distracted by a cup that was stuck on his head and dripping mud into his eyes. The man-thing reached into the man’s pants, and, with a sharp shriek from the unfortunate victim, pulled out of the waistband of his underwear and pulled it over his head._ _

__A nearby ninja blindly slashed with a kunai as the wedgie victim collapsed with a pained groan, and the Terror once again seemed to disintegrate._ _

__“Watch out! He’s everywhere!” a man shouted before a Terror, out of nowhere, came in and pulled the ninja’s pants down. After a rather shrill screech, the man managed to stab Terror, who was rolling on the grass, laughing, and it poofed out of existence again._ _

__Four more Terrors came and perished that way: one came racing through the group, randomly tripping the men struggling with the flying cup ramens, and was expelled by an unexpected shuriken; one jumped down from the trees and kept ‘stealing’ people’s noses, and fell to a tanto sword; another was caught trying to steal a sandal and was swiftly choked to vaporisation; and the last one simply stumbled into the scene, clutching his stomach and roaring with laughter, only to get several shuriken to the forehead._ _

__“Where the hell are they coming from?” Mizuki demanded, desperately trying to get his trousers back up (somehow, they kept getting pulled down)._ _

__“I don’t know!” a ninja yelled back while fending off a Terror trying to whip him with Mizuki’s belt. It then tripped on the belt and fell on the ground, dispelling itself._ _

__“Wait!”_ _

__“The cup ramens have stopped!”_ _

__“Is that it?”_ _

__“Where’re my pants?”_ _

__“Can we go home?”_ _

__“No!” Mizuki screamed. “We can’t kill it, we can only seal it away, which means it’s still here somewhere!”_ _

__“Is that so?”_ _

__Mizuki almost screamed. That was a new voice. A voice matching that of the devilish laughing._ _

__It was so close._ _

__“Mizuki!” his men cried as they turned to look at him, shock and fear shining in their faces._ _

__“How about I show you what I do to those who get too close to my den?” the Terror of the Forest whispered loudly, right behind Mizuki. He seemed larger than the previous Terrors, his eyes a darker red. And he had nine, massive tails swaying behind._ _

__Mizuki fainted._ _

__And as his body dropped, the men, with their last burst of desperate courage, charged in, screaming a battle cry. The Terror grinned, and took a deep breath._ _

__“DAAATTEEEBAAAYOOOOOOOOOO! DAAATTEEBAAAYOOOOOOOO”_ _

__The men froze in place, pain shooting through their entire bodies as the most irritating, unbearable sound in the world rocked the surrounding trees. They then all fell to the ground, clutching their ears in agony, and pleaded for mercy, some begging while tears streamed down their faces. But the Terror continued to screech out his death cry, walking closer to them, struggling to keep going due to the enormous grin pulling at his lips. They tried crawling away, but the strength of the Terror’s genjutsu locked them in place, ears pressed as hard as possible by their shaking hands._ _

__Judging that they had enough, he eventually stopped. He leaned down to one of the more resilient ninja, who winced as he opened his eyes to see the Terror of the Forest right up in his face._ _

__“Now,” the Terror whispered softly, “leave. Immediately. Dattebayo.”_ _

__At the last word, the ninja screamed and, scrambling to his feet, ran away as quickly as he could, abandoning his weapons and comrades. He was joined by the rest of his comrades, many of whom were limping, struggling to walk, swaying drunkenly or tripping over undone trousers._ _

__“Hey! You forgot these, dattebayo!” the Terror called out, throwing Mizuki then Iruka, both still unconscious, like javelines. They soared across to the running men, crashing in a few of them. The Terror laughed uproariously as the retreating ninja tried to drag along the two knocked out men, and, even after the intruders were gone, was still struggling to keep from chuckling while wiping away gleeful tears._ _

__“Ah, that will teach them from trying to get to my den.”_ _

__And, taking a full, fresh cup ramen one of his tails was holding, Uzumaki Naruto, the Terror of the Forest and Nine-Tailed Fox Demon, walked away, giggling slightly as he slurped on his noodles, happy to be alone._ _


	2. The Paranormal Entity Neutralisation and Imprisonment Service

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, so I hope you'll all enjoy it as much reading it!

“Stop! No! I’m a real boy!” 

The puppet shook the bars of his too-small cage. 

“Let me out! I’m your son, I’m your son!” 

“Mr Rasa, please tell your puppet to quiet down,” the man behind the desk asked while writing on a piece of parchment.

“Kankuro! Shut up!” 

Mr Rasa, a man with auburn hair, dark circles around his eyes and wearing a simple grey tunic, approached the cage and shook it roughly, glaring at the wooden figure in it. 

“Shut up, or you’ll end up like Gaara.” He growled at it, and the ugly creature immediately stopped protesting, curling up in fright as it whimpered, “I’m a real boy”. It was a four armed wooden creature, with shaggy brown hair, three eyes forming a triangle, sharp jagged teeth and a brown rag draped around its shoulders. It was a terrifying thing but at the moment, it looked more like a terrified cat than a scary puppet.

“Here you are, Mr Rasa, 1000 ryo as promised.” 

Accepting the bag of money but grumbling about cheapskates under his breath, Rasa gave his puppet “son” one last, contemptuous snarl before wading through the virtual labyrinth of cages and chained… things. 

At the outskirts of the forest, a large pavilion had been erected, with a large desk in the middle, manned by several fairly short men. It was a simple open-air tent with soldiers and an assortment of knights surrounding it, and a flag depicting a crescent moon waving above it, but what made it special was its function. 

The biggest of three of the Great Prince’s “Paranormal Entity Neutralisation and Imprisonment Service” checkpoints, it was where magical creatures were being rounded up and detained. A queue had formed in front of the pavilion, made up of peasants and simple locals, each eagerly awaiting to present the Prince’s representatives with their own bizarre monsters and cryptids in exchange for money.

Surrounding the pavilion was a sea of encaged magical creatures. The sheer diversity of them was enormous: there was a large cage with an octopus-bull hybrid rapping; set of three, tiny cages each contained a tiny mice, one with snot dripping from its nose, another with a blue scarf and goggles, the third one with ridiculously large orange hair; and what looked like an ordinary small boy was crying as he hugged a huge white wolf. Off to the side of the main pavilion, a cage with a pig, a deer, and a butterfly sulking together was being carted away as the three creatures staring glumly at a bearded man walking away from the queue, a cigarette at his lips, a bag of money in one hand, and the hand of a red eyed woman in the other, who herself was holding her own reward. She looked sadly at one of the Service workers, a soldier who was carrying a cage with a bug-sized glowing boy with wings and sunglasses. 

“Sorry, Shino. The Prince’s Decree outlawed magical creatures, you know I had no choice,” she called out. 

The glowing boy’s expression was indiscernible through the sunglasses. Nevertheless, his reply was clear enough by the way he stuffed his tiny hands into his pocket and turned around, his little beetle wings drooping. 

“Don’t pay him any attention, Kurenai, dear,” the smoking man said. “With the reward for turning in our creatures, we won’t be needing ‘em anymore anyways.” 

He smiled at his wife, who gave a tentative smile back, before looking around curiously at the assortment of bizarre creatures. His eyes lingered on the rapping octopus-bull hybrid. 

“The Prince be forcin’ us away; In the forest we can’t stay; Like cattle, from our home; Driven ‘way, where will we roam? Yeah!” 

“Shut up!” roared a shark floating in its water tank right next to the octo-bull. “We’re being fricken forced out of our homes! Who knows where we’ll be taken away? So stop rapping about it!” 

“Little sharky in his tank; Too big fo’ sushi, he be rank; Un’ppreciated in my time; Sharky hatin’ on my rhyme, yeah.” 

“Calm down Suigetsu.” A mournful voice spoke from the cage opposite the shark tank. An orange haired person with greyish skin was staring blankly at the octo-bull, a twittering bird on his shoulder. “Yelling at him won’t free us.” 

Suigetsu the Shark growled at the man, all while trying desperately to cover his head with his too-short flippers as the octo-bull kept going. 

“Cages, prisons, chains, or mincemeat; Gov’ment brutality won’t retreat; Rugs, coats, a breakfast treat; Prince’ll make us, got us beat.” 

“You’re not even good!” Suigetsu the Shark wailed, his voice growing more and more exasperated. 

“Sharky, sharky, you’re all barky; Got no bite, no Kentucky; Oh wait, no, you’re all Kentucky; Cause you fried, you a chicken nuggy, yeah!” 

“The hell is a Kentucky?” 

“Dunno, just a word I heard someday; Think it’s a bird, some kind of jay; All I know, you be like it; Cause you really smell like shi—” 

“Enough!” 

An annoyed-looking guard jabbed at the octo-bull with a spear, inducing a loud, high pitched squeal that rang through the checkpoint. The peasants waiting at the queue cringed at the noise, and the Prince’s representative behind the main desk, the Demon Inspection Chief, who wore a name tag reading “Neil Khead” on his shirt, yelled out for the creature to be silenced. Unfortunately, the boy encaged with his wolf joined in, howling like a wolf, while his animal companion started yelling like a human. And, like a line of dominos, each of the captured magical creatures began howling or screaming to be let out, and birds flew out of the forest in panic as the entire area was engulfed in a cacophony of sound. 

“Let us out!”

“Freedom!” 

“Police brutality!”

“Down with the monarchy!” 

“I’m a real boy!” 

“Let us go home!” 

“I like cheese!”

“What a pain… ” 

“You can’t lock us up forever!” 

Disgruntled, the Prince’s soldiers ran around the area, doing their best to threaten the creatures into silence. Back at the pavilion, the D.I.C shook his head, grit his teeth and waved for the queue to keep going, working through the sound as the creatures continued to scream out their protests. 

“Next!” he called irritably, glaring down as he furiously scribbled on some parchment at his desk.

A rather muscular man with a ruddy face stepped up to his desk from the long queue. Despite the chaotic noises, he was looking rather smug as he handed the representative a sheet of parchment — his application. 

“Right,” the D.I.C. said curtly, his jaw tense as he read out the key information on the application, “Mr Gamabunta, of Konoha Village, here with a talking toad. Requesting 2,000 Ryo.” 

Khead looked critically at the smirking Mr Gamabunta, and his eyes traced down the man’s arm, to the old leash he was holding, and followed the rope to a muzzled toad that was easily the size of a horse. Dark green, with red lines going down from its eyes, the toad looked nervous. Its eyes were darting from side to side, and it was shaking hard. Every so often, it would try to pull away from Mr Gamabunta, only to fail as his handler’s grip on the leash proved too strong.

“2,000 Ryo is a ridiculous amount, especially for a talking toad. The best I can offer you is 800.”

Mr Gamabunta’s smirk disappeared, and he scowled, but otherwise said nothing. 

“Proof of speech is required, otherwise I won’t pay you. Right now, your… creature… looks like an ordinary toad of Mount Myoboku. Rare in these parts for sure, definitely impressive in size, but otherwise completely non-magic.” 

Grunting, Mr Gamabunta looked furiously at his toad, anger burning from his eyes as though it was the poor animal’s fault for not being magical enough, and clumsily removed its muzzle. 

“Right-o sir, ya’ll see, this stupid toad is mo’ than just some dumb ol’ Myoboku toad. Ah present, Jiraiya, the talkin’ toad!” 

He spread his arms dramatically, and waited for a moment. Somehow moved by the man’s theatrics, Khead leaned forward slightly, and the two men waited for the toad to reveal its power of speech. 

The toad, Jiraiya, took one look at Mr Gamabunta, then at the D.I.C., his eyes moving slowly. 

Then it croaked. 

D.I.C. Khead sighed, then motioned for two nearby soldiers to come forward. 

“As I thought, just a regular huge toad. Guards, take this scammer away.” 

“Wait no!” Mr Gamabunta shook one hand at the soldiers in desperation, and tugged violently at Jiraiya’s leash with the other. “No, I’m not tryin’ ta scam ya out of royal money! Come on, ya’ll see, ol’ Jiraiya’s the most annoyin’ blabba’ mouth in the world! Come on, speak ya stupid frog!” 

Yet still Jiraiya did not speak. 

“Ya stupid animal!” Mr Gamabunta roared, and punched Jiraiya in the eye.

“Enough!” Khead shouted, banging his fist on his desk as he furiously glared at Mr Gamabunta,. “If there’s one thing I won’t accept, it’s animal abuse!” 

Suigetsu the Shark screamed in the background as a soldier threatened to pour a bag of fertiliser into his tank. Cries of pain rang over the D.I.C.’s dramatic pause as the deer, pig and butterfly were whipped by another soldier through their bars. 

“Guards! Take him away, take the animal abuser away now!” Khead commanded as the strangled screech of a bird was heard in the distance. 

“No, no!” 

The guards grabbed Mr Gamabunta, who, kicking and shouting, let go of the leash. 

“Wait! No, Jiraiya!” Mr Gamabunta cried, struggling against the guards and desperately trying to grab onto the leash again, but it was too late. 

Jiraiya, looking down as the rope that bound him to his handler fell to the ground, stood stock still, as though not believing his eyes. Then, slowly, he raised his head, a mad grin forming on his face as he wiggled his toes. He reached up and fingered his collar with distaste, before turning away from the sight of Mr Gamabunta being tackled to the ground to look directly at D.I.C. Khead, who, in a moment of sudden terror, gulped. 

“I’m freee!” 

Jiraiya screamed in jubilation, which only renewed the chaotic screaming that the Service workers only just managed to calm down. The huge toad leaped out of the pavilion to the absolute astonishment of Khead, who furiously turned to his soldiers. 

“He can talk! Get him! He’s magic, he’s magic!” 

The soldiers stationed at the pavilion scrambled out, charging straight at the toad, who was madly leaping away and into the forest. Jiraiya turned his giant head to look at the soldiers, sticking his tongue out derisively before slamming straight into an oak. 

“He’s stunned! Grab him, now!” 

The soldiers raced towards him, pulling out swords and sealing scrolls. A couple knights by their side pulled out chains that were attached to scrolls on their backs. 

“Aw, crap, what the… ahhh!” 

Jiraiya, who was rubbing his head in pain, yelped as the knights threw their chains from behind him. The metal wrapped around his body, and with an odd hand gesture, the scrolls on the knight’s backs began to hum, and a burst of electricity ran along the chains straight at the toad, shocking him. 

“Make sure he’s completely immobile!” the D.I.C. screamed out from back in the pavilion. “Shock him again!” 

More soldiers ran in, heading towards Jiraiya. Many abandoned their posts terrorising the magical creatures in order to capture the escaping one, and, in his haste, the one rattling the cage with Shino the glowing bug boy tossed it over his shoulders. The cage door snapped open upon impact, and Shino flew straight through. In midair, he looked left and right, only to shake his tiny head slightly and fly directly towards where the soldiers were congregating. 

“Shock him again!” a soldier called as they crowded around the fallen toad, spears out and pointed at Jiraiya. 

“No, choke him!” another jeered.

“Let’s cut off his legs!” 

“Let’s sprinkle some salt on him!” 

“Hey!” Jiraiya called out, and the soldiers surrounding him gasped as they jumped backed in surprise. “That’s not very gentlemanly!” 

“You’re a monster!” one of the knights screamed out, tightening his grip on the chains.

“I’m not! I’m just another dude, like you! I’m just more handsome, plus my body’s sexier! Trust me, I’m just as human as you! I have dreams!” 

“Demons can’t have dreams!” a soldier yelled as his spear shook in his nervous hands. 

“Of course they can!” Jiraiya’s eyes widened. “I mean, yeah, you’re right, they can’t! Which is why I’m not a demon, cause I have dreams! See, I just want to become an author! All I want is to write a book, and I can’t write a book if I’m locked up in one of the Prince’s dingy old vaults, can I?” 

“I mean, you could write a book about the experience of a prisoner,” a soldier said thoughtfully, only for his comrades to bonk him on the head. 

“True, but publishing it would be heluva pain. You know, a real pain in the ass,” Jiraiya agreed. 

“If you think that’ll be heluva pain, wait until I hit you with this!” one of the knights holding the shocking chains declared. 

He made a strange hand gesture, and his chain began glowing purple. He then tried making another gesture, the same one he made previously to shock Jiraiya, only to yelp and grab for his rear, releasing the chain and running around in panic. Screeching, he slammed straight into the other knight, knocking him down and making his release hold of his chain. 

“Now that’s what I call a pain in the ass!” Jiraiya yelled appreciatively as a little ball of light, Shino, emerged from between the knight’s plates of armour, sheathing a miniature kunai. “Thanks buddy!” 

Grunting, Jiraiya got up, and before any of the other soldiers could grab his chains or leash again, he leapt up into the oak he had crashed into, and jumped straight into the forest, cackling maniacally as he went. 

Shino fluttered forwards, intent on following, only to be grabbed in the hand of the knight he had so unfortunately hurt. 

“You stupid little demon,” the knight hissed, clenching his fist harder so as to crush the bug-boy within it, before turning to his comrades. “Come on, he can’t get very far, what with the shocking he just endured and those heavy chains. After him!” 

His fellow men roared their agreement, and they charged straight into the forest, leaving the queue flabbergasted, and the D.I.C. with his mouth hanging open in the pavilion. The magical creatures were cheering for Jiraiya’s escape, and as the cacophony of chaotic, magical noises rose to a crescendo, Mr Gamabunta, who was still lying on the pavilion floor, beaten and bruised, muttered, “Shoul’a just taken ma word, ya stupid bureaucrat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Paranormal Entity Neutralisation and Imprison service, and the Demon Inspection's Chief, Neil Khead. Honestly, I've never been prouder of myself (hopefully people will get it). 
> 
> Actually, that's a lie, I'm prouder over the rap lines. Pure writing genius, I tell you.


	3. The Tenseigan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy~

Impatiently tapping his feet on the carpet, the young man glared at the source of his annoyance. His advisor, a short little woman, stood in front of him slowly reading from an incredibly long scroll, oblivious to his growing irritable mood. It wasn’t that it was bad news, but her master was an impatient man, and she wasn’t exactly the fastest reader.

“Now, Service Checkpoint 3 has also sent news of the clearing of Konoha Village,” she read out slowly, nodding at the sound of scribbling as another helper, sitting on a bench to her master’s left marked down the success of the Prince’s decree. “All that is left is to relocate the magical creatures to Forest Number 9 and that’s another sector clear from the magical nuisances.” 

“Good,” the young man replied irritably, relieved at the pause in his advisor’s — well, his parents’ advisor’s — report. “The faster we move all of those monsters to the Nine Forests, the faster we can burn them down and kill those abnormalities for good.” 

The young man, Prince Toneri, was extremely handsome, very tall, and very pale; he sat lounged on a solid black throne, dressed in regal robes of white and green, and looked very irritated with the advisors running around doing his bidding. He grit his teeth in frustration as his advisor started reading again, and gripped the armrests of his throne tighter while glaring at all of the workers in the massive chamber as though blaming them for the old woman’s dry, unhurried report.

The throne room was massive, a magnificent hall constructed almost entirely of marble with the simple, high-backed silver throne towards the back, a deep blue carpet on the ground around it. Though rectangular in plan, the end where the throne was rounded, and multicoloured gems sparkled as they studded the curved ceiling, which formed a dome right above the throne with a hole through while perpetual bright, white light shone down on the throne like a spotlight. Benches lined the edge of the hall in between the pillars, currently occupied with the King’s workers dealing with paperwork as the Prince Regent listened to his father Hamura’s advisor explaining how the kingdom was enforcing Decree #275

“I… see,” he kept answering, trying desperately to hold back from attacking his father’s advisor. In his eyes, they were all incompetent, and he couldn’t wait until his father died and he became King so that he was actually allowed to fire the current staff. 

Somehow, passing a new decree that challenged his father's wishes was easier than simply switching out a few old geezers. 

When he had heard of his father’s illness, and that he would be made Regent to serve in King Hamura place until the old king either recovered or passed away (in which case Toneri would officially ascend to the throne and receive the full powers of the title), Toneri had used his temporary powers to push forward Decree #275, a law that had been drafted by his grandfather, but that his father had been too hesitant to sign into existence. Everything was set; all it needed was a single signature and the monsters that inhabited the beautiful lands of the Kingdom were declared as a disease in need of purging. 

And so, despite the advisor’s monotonous voice, and her droning, never ending manner of reading, he couldn’t help the feeling of giddiness and glee that arose in his chest, the flame of satisfaction at the knowledge that the filthy creatures that unrightfully claimed his birthright as their home were finally being rounded up. Some would be forced into the savage forests to the north that no kingdom dared to claim as their own. Most would be taken to designated “Execution Forests” where they would eventually meet their demise.

His vision, his dream for purity and order in his perfect kingdom were finally in sight. 

Now, it was only the simple matter of getting rid of his father. 

_The damn fool simply refuses to die,_ he thought as he tried as hard as he could not to have the old woman in front of him executed. _The first thing that I will do as King is to purge my father’s staff. After that… But no matter. It doesn’t matter if he dies or not._

After all, there were other ways of solidifying his rule.

As if reading his mind, a messenger, one of his own personal helpers, came running into the hall, interrupting the King’s advisor from her reading of the scroll. 

“Prince Toneri, m’lord,” he gasped out, out of breath, his face flushed with exertion and excitement, “m’lord, it is ready. The Tenseigan.” 

“Brilliant!” His smile grew wide, his bright blue eyes sparkled, and he rose from the throne, waving away the old woman. “Bring it in, now!” 

With another series of orders and much impatience, Toneri had the rest of his father’s advisors out of the throne room, leaving only him and his own personal servants there, including the main sorcerer in charge of the Tenseigan Project. They stood in a semi circle, excitement running through all of them as a few of his bodyguards carted in a massive crystal ball the width of a horse. 

Pure white, perfectly spherical, it hummed slightly in its ornate, silver stand as Toneri came before it, his men talking their places immediately behind him.

“The Tenseigan,” Toneri whispered reverently, coming up close to it but keeping himself from touching it completely. “And you are sure it has been completely repaired?” 

“Absolutely. Dare I say it is in even better condition than it was before your father had it destroyed,” his servants assured him, bowing. 

Smile growing bigger, Toneri took a step back, cleared his throat, and spoke. 

“Rabbit, Rabbit, in the Ball, come on out and tell me all.”

For several heartbeats, they waited with bated breath, anticipation oozing in the air as the Tenseigan stood there, doing nothing. Then, the crystal ball began to hum, quietly at first, but gradually growing in force and volume as it shook the magnificent walls of the throne room. The white ball glowed softly as the solid white inside turned to milky fog, swirling around violently. Then, abruptly, the humming stopped as the fog settled, revealing the hazy image of a beautiful woman with white skin and pure white eyes. 

“The Rabbit Goddess, Mother of the Ootsutsuki who had blessed the Kingdom with her Vision even after she had passed, the beautiful Kaguya!” Toneri declared, bowing to the figure in the sphere.

The Rabbit Goddess bowed herself, the image blurring in the sphere.

“It is an honour to serve the holy Ootsutsuki line,” she said, but her soft, feminine voice was distorted through the Tenseigan. Her image started to flicker and blur more as she straightened up again.

Toneri frowned and turned to look at the sorcerer.

“Err, some minor technical difficulty we forgot to mention, m’lord,” the magician said nervously. “See, while we managed to restore the Tenseigan’s all-seeing powers, the, uhh, the spirit of the Rabbit Goddess, well…”

The image of the Rabbit Goddess flickered and died, and in its place came the more solid, clearer image of a pure black, vaguely humanoid form with yellow eyes. 

Toneri blinked. 

“Dave?” 

“Ah, greetings, Your Reverence!” Dave squeaked as he bowed hurriedly. It was clear that if he weren’t solid black, he would have been sweating. 

“M’lord, the spirit of Kaguya was unfortunately, well, uh, it was destroyed,” the sorcerer explained quickly, sweat pouring down his face. “But the Tenseigan’s powers are still intact, we just needed something there to, uh, use it. So, uh, we used Black Zetsu.”

Dave the Black Zetsu waved from inside the sphere. 

“See, as a Zetsu, Dave was the only one who was magically capable of being stuff in there,” the sorcerer further explained. 

Toneri blinked again. 

“You mean to tell me that you have repurposed Dave, my late mother’s old servant chosen to be enchanted with the power of the Black Zetsu to keep her safe and satisfied, to be the Rabbit Goddess’ replacement?”

The sorcerer shifted in place. 

“Well, I just thought that, well, since each queen gets their own personal Zetsu, and since your mother is, well, gone, there wouldn’t have been any harm in using Dave.” 

Toneri blinked once more. 

“Okay. As long as it works.” Walking closer to the Tenseigan, he smoothly regained his dramatic grandeur and spoke in his reverent tone once more. “Oh great… Dave… tell me, show me... show me the one that will be my bride.” 

That was one way for him to usurp his father, even without the King’s death. 

Marriage. 

Marriage to a princess would solidify his position and allow him, as the heir who is of age, to automatically become King. 

At the order, Dave stayed silent, scratched his chin for a bit, prompting Toneri to drop his dramatic pose and sigh. 

“You have no idea how to use the Tenseigan’s powers, do you?” 

“Err… hold on for a sec.” Dave held up a hand before bending down and out of sight. Only some shuffling and grunting could be heard for a minute or two before he finally emerged with a scroll, looking excited. “There we are! The instruction manual! Let’s see here… crystal ball maintenance, no don’t want that… smoke screen setting, hmm, might come in handy… moving the Moon? What the hell? I mean, I know that the Moon is sort of the Ootsutsuki thing, but— right, sorry!” 

Noticing Toneri’s growing impatience, Dave went through the scroll faster, muttering to himself as he looked for what he wanted. 

“Fragrance setting… chakra consumption… AHA! Seeing through time and space! Right, so you go bang and then bam and then… Got it!”

The Tenseigan suddenly started shuddering violently as it glowed, and smoke swallowed Dave as he clapped his hands together, before the entire sphere became still and opaque. 

They all stood there, silently. 

“How much you willing to bet that he’s just choked himself to death with that fog?” one of the guards whispered to a servant. 

Toneri was just about to turn and reprimand him when the Tenseigan briefly vibrated once more, and the opaque white dissolved to reveal Dave once more, except now in a tuxedo and a mic in his hand. 

“Welcome to The Royal Bachelorette! I’m your host, Dave David Davidson, and today we’ll be showcasing three eligible bachelorettes, each a princess old enough to marry and important enough to let Prince Toneri become king!” 

The crowd cheered behind a smiling Toneri. Dave grinned as he waved his hand and the image of a sword crossed with a spear appeared behind him.

“But before we bring out our contestants, I’d like to mention that today’s episode of The Royal Bachelorette has been brought to you by Tenten’s Ten Out of Tens, a hot new weapons chain that caters to all your murderous needs. Training, ceremony or assassinations, Tenten’s Ten Out of Tens guarantees that your blades will always be ten out of ten in quality, sharpness, and—”

The crowd booed, and at Toneri’s sudden, hash glare, Dave stopped, cleared his throat and waved the logo out of existence. 

“Anyways! Let’s bring out our first contestant!”

He suddenly disappeared, and in his place appeared the high definition moving image of an incredibly beautiful woman in an elegant red dress posing as she laid across a window sill, her exotic green eyes twinkling in the image as she winked, making the men watching whistle appreciatively. The real show stopper, however, was her cherry blossom pink hair that seemed to flow like silk from her head to below the window and out of sight. 

“Take out your shields and put on your helmets, cause bachelorette number one packs a real punch! They say her magic hair is over 20 meters long, and is as soft as it is study. Strong as rope, you won’t need to worry about pulling on it in the heat of the moment, if you know what I’m saying! But don’t let her playful exterior fool you, one misstep and she can turn you into a pudding with her super strength. Lucky for you, though, her sweet magic kisses can heal any injury! She’s smart, she’s strong, she’s feisty, she’s Princess Sakura of the Haruno Dynasty!”

Loud cheers broke out among the men, the sorcerer whistling and a couple of guards actually catcalling as though the image could hear them. Toneri looked hungrily at the princess, but nevertheless stayed still. 

The image suddenly vanished, and in its place came another moving image, this one of a blonde woman, in an equally expensive but slightly tighter and more revealing purple dress, bending over as she watered some flowers. She was in a garden, surrounded by a rainbow of colours as the flowers seemed to sway and glow in her presence. She turned to the men, some of whom were drooling, and looked at them with a seductive twinkle in her right pale blue eye, the other one obscured by her smooth, flowing hair. She blew them a kiss and the men exploded in cheers. 

“Don’t let the fact that she’s roommates with two men discourage you; this one is truly a flower worth picking. Her hands may be gentle when it comes to flowers, but boy, you have no idea what they can do. She can kick ass and leave you brain dead with both her beauty and her intellect. And don’t even worry about miscommunication; this one can read your mind, hell she can enter it and control it! Bet you wouldn’t mind that though. Just make sure you don’t give her any apples, she’s got a bad history with them. She’s confident, she’s intelligent, she’s assertive, she’s Princess of Ino of the Yamanaka Kingdom!”

More cheering, more whistling ensued as the men came so close to the Tenseigan that their noses touched the glass, ogling her as they pushed each other in their desperation to get closer to her. Toneri still stood still, but he seemed just as agitated, just as hungry as the others. 

“And now,” the voice of Dave spoke as the image of Princess Ino disappeared and the men backed off, “contestant number three!”

The men watched eagerly as the image of the final princess appeared, but then furrowed their brows as the image registered: a giant grey ruined castle on the edge of a high cliff. There were storm clouds above, and once in a while, a lightning bolt flashed, revealing the cracked and ruined state of it. 

“Dave?” Toneri demanded. 

“Sorry for the image, Your Paleness, but it seems that contestant number 3 is in a location so well protected that even the Tenseigan can’t penetrate it! But no worries, I found out enough to tell you about her! Now, buckle your seatbelts, ‘cause this one’s a doozy! They say that even as a child, her beauty was so divine that the Cloud Dwellers of the Alpha-Beta Kingdom tried to take her!” 

There was a collective “ooh” from the crowd. 

“In fact, they saw her as too pure and angelic to be gazed at by human eyes that her parents hid her away in the highest room of the tallest tower of Ryuchi Castle, guarded by the mystical serpent Orochimaru!” 

The men gasped at the information, and Toneri leaned in closer. 

“But… to have access to Ryuchi Castle…” the Prince whispered softly. “Her family must be…”

“That’s right, your Princeship! The eldest daughter of Emperor Hiashi, she’s none other than Princess Hinata of the Byakugan! Free for the taking for anyone capable of besting Orochimaru!”

The image of the castle shrunk, and miniature still images of the previous two princess appeared next to it. 

“So, who’s it gonna be, Prince Toneri? Who do you deem worthy to take their place as your obedient wife, the perfect Queen who could allow you to become King? Princess Sakura, Princess Ino, or Princess Hinata?

There was a silence as the men stared wondrously at the three images before all turning to their prince. Toneri stood stock still, his hands shaking slightly, looking not at the Tenseigan but at his shoes. He stood like that for several minutes before slowly looking up and smiling. 

It wasn’t a pleasant smile. Not at all. 

“Pure and angelic? Ripe for defilement? And the Princess of the Byakugan to boot? There is no question, I pick the daughter of the Emperor.” 

The men exploded with gracious cheers once more as the Tenseigan glowed, and the image of the castle filled up the entire orb. 

“Our Prince’s gonna marry an angel?” 

“No doubt she’s the most beautiful and most sexy woman of all!” 

“Don’t say that about your future Queen!” 

“But it’s true!” 

Toneri ignored the cries from the men around him as he walked closer to the Tenseigan, his eyes hungry as they stared at the tallest tower of the castle. 

He placed his hand on the sphere. 

“Princess… Hinata,” he whispered. “My bride.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? I didn't want to completely copy the original scene from Shrek, because a) you could just see the movie, and b) because there's no way I could do it justice. Now, while I'll be borrowing the basic direction of the plot as well as some scenes, this fic isn't going to be exactly Shrek.


	4. Besties For Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter's a bit messy, but oh well. It's frustrating when you have an amazing idea for a fic (I mean, Naruto and Shrek, it's truly a magnificent idea) but then, not only do you not have the time to write it, but you also don't know what goes in the middle. Like, I know how it starts, I know how it ends, I know the bits in the middle and have general ideas, but my ideas for this fic really begin to kick off a bit later into the story. 
> 
> What a struggle. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy~

“Ahh, nothing like the screams of little girls in the morning!” 

Laughing maniacally as he jumped up into the treetops, the Terror of the Forest stuck out his tongue at the retreating backs of several terrified young girls that were soaked from head to toe in vinegar. 

“That’ll teach ya to use ma den for a bet!” he called out as he threw the purses that they had dropped in their panic back at them. “Scram!” 

Still chuckling, he reclined on his branch, folding his hand under his head as he fanned himself with several of his great, crimson tails. 

“They don’t get it, do they? You paint ‘Stay away from my den’ on their village monument and suddenly you’re a dare? A dare? Ridiculous, dattebayo!” 

He looked backward, towards where his den was hidden in the moss, deeper in the forest, smiling fondly at the way even the animals seemed to stay clear of the perimeter of mouldy milk cartons, old ramen cups and soiled clothes (‘borrowed’ from a few villages) that marked his territory. 

Yet what was a clear border to the wildlife and most adults and local ninjas seems to be some sort of game to the youth. 

“Guess I’ll have to make it more clear then. Rat skulls on spikes should do it. Or maybe paint the perimeter with ketchup, make it look like blood. Or or or, I’ll steal their designer purses and clothes then, hee hee, rip off the brand logos and stick them on the trees! That’ll show em!” he cackled to himself. “Yeah, that’ll teach ‘em. Mess with me, I’ll mess with what matters most to them!” 

The wild monster rolled over from his reclined position and jumped up onto the branch, grinning wildly with his nine mighty tails erect behind him, raising his fist high as the branch swayed violently, a shower of green fluttering off of it dramatically. 

“Capitalism!” 

With a massive crunch, the branch snapped off as he suddenly leapt off of it, landing on his clawed hands on a branch several meters away before springing away from it with his legs, sending branches crashing to the ground and leaves flying every which way as he made his way through the forest. As though sensing his vile aura (or rather, smelling him), the animals in vicinity all ran away, fear or repulsion or both passing through them as violently as the Terror cackled madly while traversing the forest. 

His destination? The hot springs, where stealing clothing would be easier to do than to try and infiltrate their village, which, though not the biggest in the world, was fairly old and had quite a history about it, and was thus considered to be very rich.

“Let’s see any of these little girls try to mess with me after I take their Samui Fuuton bags and their Shannel dresses and decorate my border with them!” 

Charging through the woods at top speeds, he started to jump with less force, make less of a commotion. He was getting closer to where he knew the hot springs were, and here, stealth was important. Reaching the end of the forest, he landed on the soft grass, and, wrapping himself if his tails, burst into flames, which, upon fading out, revealed a curvy young woman, with blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, dressed in nothing but a towel. 

Creeping his way through the undergrowth, he eventually found his way to the cobbled trail that led to the hidden hot springs, guarded by a tall wooden fence. Already, with his acute demonic hearing, he could pick up the high pitched laughter and gossip of the women enjoying themselves within. 

He grinned. 

“Sounds like privilege to me,” he whispered, and, keeping from breaking out into a fit of cackling, made his way around the fence to get to the entrance. 

_It’s time to warn these peeps to keep away._

_Wait. That doesn’t sound like a girl._

As suspicious as he was, if there was one thing that the Terror of the Forest would not tolerate, it was perverts. And now, as he listened closely, he could distinctly hear some very, very gruff giggling that sounded less like a woman and more like a peeping time. 

He may hate the villagers, but he was gonna crush this guy. 

Following the sound, he crept along the fence, now away from the entrance, and enhanced his vision, his eyes taking on their usual crimson, slitted form, the whiskers on his feminine cheeks taking on their regular, jagged appearance as he sniffed, taking in an odd… iron-like smell. 

_Is this… blood?_

“Heehee, great, now just turn around a bit more… a bit more!” 

Finally, the Terror rounded the corner to find a massive toad peeking through a hole in the fence, a steady stream of blood trickling down a nostril as he giggled away. What looked like a notepad was in the hand that wasn’t constantly wiping away his blood.

“Come on, just turn a bit…. There’s the ticket!” 

The stream of blood seemed to thicken. 

“How are you not dead yet?” the Terror commented with genuine curiosity, cocking his head as he dropped his prowling stance. 

The giant toad turned around in surprise, a choked half-croak at his mouth. At the sight of the Terror — in his… disguise… the trickle of blood became a fountain, and the creature rocketed backwards, crashing straight into a tree. 

“What was that?” a voice cried from inside of the hot springs. 

“It could be creeping pervs!” another screamed. 

“What if it’s the Terror?” yet another shrieked. 

“Damn it,” the Terror muttered. Sighing, he morphed back into his regular self, his nails growing back into claws and his tails whipping back out behind him. “Now they’ll be running away and grabbing their stuff on the way out. Operation: ‘Scare Away Annoying Brats By Forming a Perimeter of Their Favourite Things’ is ruined.” 

Scowling, he looked over at the toad, who was struggling to get up from the smashed tree. Then, suddenly, as though he just remembered something, the toad bounced forward with such an energy that the Terror went on all fours, ready to fight as the toad’s eager, grinning face came centimeters in front of his own. 

The toad’s grin vanished, and he huffed, then looked at the fence in panic as he heard the commotion of the women inside leaving the hot springs. 

“No no no! My research!” he cried as he scrambled towards the hole in the fence that he had just been peeking through. 

“Research?” the Terror asked disbelievingly. 

“Of course! For my book!” the toad waved his blank notepad at the Terror as he continued to stare through the hole, cursing at his luck. “Aw, now look what you did! I thought you were a hot girl!” 

The Terror crossed his arms and growled. 

“How’d you do that anyways?” the toad asked, turning back to the Terror, a very hungry look on his face. “Might be a great skill to have!” 

The Terror could not believe his ears. He looked down at himself just to make sure that he wasn’t transformed. He looked over his clawed hands and grabbed one of his orange tails just to ensure that he wasn’t hallucinating. 

“Are you serious?” 

The toad grinned and raised his notepad. 

“You’re… not… terrified?” 

“I’m terrified that you won’t tell me how you did that. Or is this a trick that only weird scruffy tailed people? You know, I heard about that type in my village. The guys who do dress up and want to date animals. Furbies?” 

“I’m not a furry,” the Terror growled, his tails now looming over his head, arched menacingly, his cheek scars deeper than ever and his eyes turning dark red. 

“Whatever! So tell me, this some sort of magic, and if it is, can I learn it? It could come in handy! Or… better yet…” the toad wagged his… skin above his eyes. “Show me again!” 

“You… sick little…” 

That was it. The Terror had enough. He couldn’t care less if the women in the hot springs could sense or hear him now. This toad was getting on his nerves. 

His tails burst into flames. His cheek markings grew longer, as did his claws and ears. His eyes began to glow blood red. His aura of killer intent began to irradiate out of him with so much force that the leaves around him wilted, and bits of his skin began to peel off, revealing red flesh underneath. 

He bared his fangs and took a deep breath. 

“DATTEBAYO!” 

In the past, his targets had been filled with so much fear and horror that they had spontaneously combusted. Whenever he employed this very attack, the life would simply be scared out of bodies, and everyone and everything within a 10 meter radius would feel so much killer intent that they would lose control of their lungs, heart and bowels. 

He grinned at the toad’s shocked face, expecting for the flames to start at any moment as he reverted back to normal.

“That is… that is disgusting.” 

_Huh?_

“Seriously, I’m the pervert here? I’m a fricken toad, and even I don’t smell this bad! Where the hell is your dental hygiene!?” 

The Terror gaped at him. 

“I do have to say, compared to what I’m used to, you’re quite friendly. A bit aggressive for a humanoid puppy, but…” 

“Puppy?” 

The toad stared at him. 

“Isn’t that what you are? A humanoid dog with nine tails?” 

Still staring at the creature with utter disbelief, the Terror opened his mouth to ask a question, closed it, then opened it. 

“Wha.. What are you?” 

Beaming at this question, the toad stepped back, taking a rather dramatic stance as he formed a rather theatrical smirk, then struck a pose with one hand outstretched with his fingers spread and his palm facing the Terror, the other doing the same but behind the toad’s head. 

“The super pervert of the land, a misunderstood author with great appreciation for the female form, it is I, the future greatest adult author, Lord Jiraiya!”

He held the pose dramatically, as though awaiting applause. The Terror blinked. 

“So… you’re a frog… that’s… attracted to humans?” 

“Wrong! I’m a toad who’s super _interested_ in humans!” 

_You’ve got to be kidding me._

“Just... “ the Terror was struggling to find a response, when he suddenly heard the main door of the dressing room open and the first woman stepped out. “Whatever! Just don’t let me catch you peeping again. Weird… amphibian perv.” He muttered that last part under his breath as he snuck away, hiding his aura. 

_Strange though, my killer intent didn’t seem to affect him...._

He silently crept his way through the woods, making sure to leave no trace of himself behind. He didn’t need the women to complain to the ninja of their village then have to deal with them again. 

Except… 

“Stop following me!” he hissed over his shoulders as Jiraiya hopped behind him. 

“Not until you tell me more about that female form of yours!” 

“It’s not real! It’s just a mirage, now leave me be!” 

“Well, I kinda can’t!” 

The Terror abruptly stopped, causing Jiraiya to almost crash into him. At the last moment, the Terror managed to catch the toad with a couple of his tails. 

“What does that mean?” 

“It means,” the toad choked out as the tails seemed to squeeze him a little too much, “that we amazing creatures are being hunted down…” 

“Hunted… what?” 

He released the toad, who immediately started patting himself down, taking deep calming breaths as he did. 

“Well, see, interesting folk like me are being sold to the Prince! Something about purity, can you believe that? So anyways, I managed to escape. It was a daring tale of heroics and battle! There I was, being guarded in a cell made of adamantine steel and guarded by the Serpent of Ryuchi Cave itself when I managed to tear through the bars with my bare hands! I had to strangle the beast myself, and now I’m on the run. I just know that the Prince has sent his best men after me, and, well, your stinky breath just might be able to protect me!” 

“No.” 

“It’ll be mutually beneficial!” Jiraiya promised. “You’ll protect me with your… your dattebane or whatever it is—” 

“Dattebayo,” the Terror muttered.

“--and I’ll teach you how to get girls! I’m sure that with your teeth, you ain’t exactly popular with the ladies!” 

Rubbing his temples, the Terror groaned, then, looking Jiraiya directly in the eye, said very clearly, “No.” 

“Come on! We could be… besties? Is that what they call it?”

The Terror grabbed the toads limbs in his tails and shook him up and down before bringing the toad close to him. 

“Get away from me, dattebayo.” 

“But—” 

“Go away!” 

With that, the Terror literally threw the toad as far as he could before vanishing, running through the forest as quickly as he could to get away. 

If only it were that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, you can clearly see from this chapter that I write mostly for myself. If you didn’t get it, “Samui Fuuton” was my attempt at making a Naruto-nized “Louis Vuitton”, and “Shannel” is “Shannaro” + “Chanel.” Get it? 
> 
> I’m a genius.


	5. Illegal Immigrants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long hiatus! I've been incredibly busy. Hopefully this chapter turned out okay!

“ _Kero._ ”

_Just walk calmly. Don’t look back._

“ _Kero._ ” 

_Don’t acknowledge him, he’ll lose interest after a while._

“ _Kero._ ”

“What do you want?” the Terror yelled, abruptly turning around, nine mighty tials flared, his eyes burning killer red and his claws bared. 

“Woah, so you heard me, did you?” The giant toad jumped out into the open from the grass through which he had been following the Terror, his face only slightly obscured from the way he stayed low. “You truly are an apex predator, capable of detecting even the slightest dangers. Excellent! Wouldn’t have expected anything else from my new bestie! I promise you, you’ll be very well portrayed in my book, I’ll tell you that much!”

Growling, the Terror was tempted to take a swipe at the toad, but instead bared his teeth at the oblivious creature and curled his fists. 

“Stop it,” he said simply. “Stop following me, or you’ll really, really regret it.” 

“See, keep that up, and those jerks tailing me will be cowering in fear!” the toad continued obliviously. 

_I could just kill him…_

The Terror quickly shook that thought away. It would do him no good to revert back to his old ways. Still… the toad was beyond irritating. 

“Just… “ 

At a loss for words, the Terror simply sighed and turned away, walking away slowly, trying to ensure that his rage wouldn’t boil over. 

“So… why are you so interested in writing a book?” he asked awkwardly, painfully aware of Jiraiya the toad noisily following him. 

“I’m glad you asked!” the toad said happily, before leaping ahead of the Terror and striking a dramatic pose. “I was but a tadpole when I was visited by a holy vision. A prophecy! I was to mentor a hero! And wander the lands, writing books and with unparalleled perviness!” 

The Terror rolled his eyes and moved around the toad, who was still in his dynamic pose. 

“Hey!” Jiraiya’s eyes widened, and he excitedly hopped after the Terror. “Maybe you’re the one I’m meant to mentor! An honourable hero, destined for greatness.”

“Yeah, right,” the Terror scoffed, and he began to laugh on the inside. “Me, a hero? Sounds more like someone ate the wrong mushrooms when scavenging.”

“I’ve done nothing of the sort. I am a clean man, devoid of the three deadly sins!” 

At this, the Terror _had_ to stop, and we slowly turned to stare at Jiraiya. “Devoid of the three deadly sins? As in, money, women, and drugs?” 

“That’s right?” 

“But… you’re a pervert.” 

“Please, books before hooks, I always say. Hookups,” he explained after a moment of silence in which the Terror stared at Jiraiya with a slightly confused look in his eyes. 

“Look, whatever it is, you’ve got to stop following. Dattebayo?”

“I hear you, I hear you,” Jiraiya said seriously, nodding his head, “but just really quickly, what does ‘dattebayo’ even mean?” 

The Terror blinked. 

“Cause, you know, the readers will want to know the origin of your catch phrase. Or will you reveal it to me just before the climax of the story? You know, during that tense scene towards the end, right before the final battle, when the main character is in the dumps but then gets that motivational speech to push him forward to fight the fight and save the day and get the girl?” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, because I, as the main character, will have to get a motivational speech from you, the protagonist’s best friend, about how it's my heart that makes me great, and you will have this tragic backstory you reveal to encourage me. Happens all the time. So,” Jiraiya leaned in closer, a scholarly gleam sparkling in his eye, “which place should it go, exposition or climax?”

With a frustrated growl the Terror leapt away, and, with a burst of speed, pelted through the forest, moving so fast that not even the most sensitive creatures noticed him until they were hit by a burst of air. He zigzagged around trees, using his unmatched speed and magic to move in a pattern that would be untraceable for anyone. 

_Lose him, lose him… even if he can’t follow…_

He spent the next half an hour moving in this way, doing his best to ensure that his path was impossible to follow. After moving through the forest multiple times, doubling back a few times, jumping sideways and employing evasive maneuvers, he finally decided that the risk of getting followed by Jiraiya was finally over. Stopping, he took a deep breath, and, relaxing, he walked into his den. 

To call it a “den” did not really do his property justice. He had claimed an entire hill the size of the nearby village as his own, and had marked his territory using a line of old ramen cups that smelled so repulsive, none of the woodland creatures dared to come near it. Dug into the rather steep sides of the hill at random intervals and heights were multiple passageways, protected by doors and curtains, which were all of various sizes, styles and colours. A couple even looked at though they had been stitched together from clothes. Though the trees stopped a few meters before the line of ramen cups began, the hill was not completely barren; a single, humongous, ancient tree grew out of the top of the hill, but was so crooked that it was leaning heavily on one sides, and seemed to create an arch of dark green leaves over a significant portion of the hill. The hill was covered in lush green from the grass, and, despite what the line of ramen with its old, abhorrent stench may have implied, once over the wall off nose melting odour, it was possible to smell the pleasant aromas and perfumes of the various flowers that grew on the hill. 

For the den of the Terror of the Forest, the hill was surprisingly well kept. 

Smiling at the sight, the Terror took a deep breath of the revolting, rotting cups, then stepped over them, entering his domain. He skipped across the initially gentle incline, then clambered up to one of his entrances — protected by a red curtain with yellow polka dots — and went into his den. 

“There you are!” 

The Terror’s jaw dropped as, hopping through the dirt corridor of his den, Jiraiya came over to him, a massive grin on his face and one of the Terror’s favourite frog shaped mugs — stolen from the nearby village) in one flipper-hand. 

“I was wondering where you went! Couldn’t find you for a while, but I just followed the direction you seemed to be going before you had your sudden fit, and look at what I found! Isn’t this pretty neat?” 

It was astounding how much hatred could be overwhelmed by pure confusion and horrified amazement. Uzumaki Naruto, the Terrible Terror of the Forest, magical fox demon who expelled all who neared his den, could only stand and watch in incredulity as Jiraiya took a sip of his precious coffee from his precious frog mug, then hoped away as though the den was his own. 

“So, is this your place?” Jiraiya asked before hopping around a corner. “I gotta say, you should probably renovate! This dirt wall thing ain’t gonna work if we’re roomies.” 

Finally, the Terror wrenched his jaw off of the floor, and found his rage flare back inside. 

“What do you mean, roomies?” he bellowed in frustration as he ran after the mad toad, only to find that Jiraiya had moved past the first room — the rudimentary kitchen, or what was essentially an open area with walls of ramen cups and several kettles — and into another passageway, this one leading to the Terror’s dining room. “Get back over here! You can’t—! You’re just—!” 

He ran through the passageway into the dining room, only to see it empty. Looking around wildly, he employed the use of his superior sense of smell, and ran through one of the three passageways leading out of that room. He stepped into a storage room to no avail, then flew through several other long corridors, following the stench of the toad. It was simply inexplicable. In the short time that the Terror had been shocked into paralysis, the toad had managed to move through the den in such a way that not even he, the monster of the Forest, could trace him. The smell that he was following seemed to double back several times, and grew weaker and weaker no matter which direction the Terror went. Every room that he followed the smell to was already vacant by the time he got there. Blindly, he ran around his den, charging through the dirt-walled corridors, focused only on the smell of the toad, his eyes concentrating on only catching sight of that hideous creature, completely ignorant of all that was around him. 

“Dammit, how is he moving so fast?” he roared in anguish as he wildly for any signs of the elusive toad. 

He skidded to a halt upon entering his bedchamber, his eyes zeroing in on a humongous lump on his bed, hidden under his blanket. 

“You dirty little—!” he yelled as he yanked the blanket off of the lump, rage and disgust violently bubbling inside of him. His claws were engaged, and he was ready to kill. “I’ve got… you?” 

He stopped in his tracks, the anger dying like a candle that’s been blown out. The blanket hung limply in one hand, his other hand posed to slash in front of him, trapped in place, his nine tails frozen in their spread out position behind him. 

The ‘lump’ opened her eyes and stared at him blearily, clearly just waking up from deep sleep. 

“Can I help you?” the pig oinked. 

The Terror remained speechless for a few moments before dropping the blanket, dropping his threatening stance and staring at the pig in horror. 

“How the hell did you get in? Where did you… who the hell are you?” he demanded, almost screaming. 

All remnants of sleep evaporating at his anger, the pig’s eyes widened with fear, and she pressed herself against the call of the cave, oinking in a way that the Terror interpreted as sobs of terror. 

“Wait, don’t kill me! I just came with the others, I didn’t do anything! I’m just a pig, Tonton the pig!” 

“Others?” 

“Yes, the caravan,” Tonton the pig nodded fervently, though that may have been less from agreement and more from fear, if the shaking of the rest of her body was any indication. 

“What caravan?” the Terror bellowed. 

Then he smelled it. With his fixation on Jiraiya momentarily broken by the sheer absurdity of finding a pig on his bed, he finally noticed the smell. 

Or rather, the smells. 

Hundreds of them, a myriad of unique smells laced with what was unmistakably magic. 

Running out of his room, he ran down the corridor into the kitchen, and upon looking in, cried in shock at the sight of three creatures — a butterfly, a deer, and another pig — at his table, the butterfly voraciously eating the pie he had prepared before having to scare out the group of women earlier in the day. 

“Who the hell are you?” the pig demanded. Did it have a mullet?

“Who the hell am I? Who the hell are you?” he practically screamed. 

“Identify yourself, angry creature!” the pig yelled back. 

“Don’t get so riled up, Inoichi,” the deer said, sighing. It looked over at the Terror with mild interest. “That thing could probably cook you alive. It would be a drag to argue with it.” 

“I’m not that easy to beat, Shikaku!” the pig said in indignation 

“Please, you’d go down in one exhalation.” 

The Terror promptly ran out, rubbing his eyes, only to smack into a big racoon made of… sand? 

“Oi, watch it!” the racoon yelled at him in irritation. 

“You watch it!” he yelled back before rushing through the corridor, narrowly missing a group of bears chasing each other. 

Bam. He found a chicken yelling at a sweating turtle in his ‘museum’ room. 

He panicked and checked another room. 

A humongous cat on fire, blue fire. 

He charged out and went into another. 

Several bizarre creatures conversing with one another. 

Another. 

A big white dog dressed in women’s pajamas lying on the couch looked up upon his entry and growled, in a decidedly masculine voice, “What?” 

Every room he checked, every corridor he went through seemed to be infested with another one of the strange, magical creatures. 

_No, please, make it stop. My den, my den…_

_Make it…_

_Stop…?_

He ran straight out of his den, out of one the entrances into the hill, and what he saw made his heart stop. 

Hundreds of lights in the dark. Hundreds of tents, sprawled across his territory. 

_No. No!_

Something was very wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while I love the Shrek/Naruto idea, we're currently at a point in the story which I am not particularly enthusiastic about. But still! We're getting there!

**Author's Note:**

> Thought and comments (positive, negative or simply critical, doesn't matter) would be greatly appreciated~


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